Blog Series: Part 2 Applying 12 Step Principles to Succeed, Stay Sane & Save Lives
Part 2: How to Stay Sane While Working with Others
Relationships are challenging, and workplace relationships are no exception. In fact, they might be some of the trickiest ones we have because our coworkers are sort of like partners we didn’t get to choose. Add in tight deadlines, high stakes, and passionate personalities, and it’s no surprise that things can get messy fast.
Most workplace conflict stems from two places: poor communication and a lack of boundaries. And both are often exacerbated by the tendency to assume the worst about each other. That’s where the tools I learned through 12-step recovery have been a lifesaver, not just personally, but professionally.
Today, I’m sharing a few key principles that have helped me stay sane in the office, even when things get complicated.
1. Feelings Aren’t Facts
Nonprofit work is deeply emotional. It attracts passionate, sensitive people who care a lot. That’s a beautiful thing. But in an environment like this, it’s easy to take things personally that aren’t personal.
Here’s something that’s helped me enormously:
Feelings are real…but they aren’t facts.
The tone in someone’s voice, a delayed email reply, a weird look across the room—it’s easy to assume those things are about us. But most of the time, they aren’t. They’re about what’s going on inside the other person, or sometimes they’re about nothing at all.
If you find yourself taking things personally, try to remember the phrase:
“When it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”
Meaning, if you’re having a big reaction to something small, it probably has roots way deeper than whatever just happened. Recognizing that helps you put some space between yourself and the situation, and usually, that little bit of distance is enough to help you respond more thoughtfully.
And when in doubt, remember:
Feelings are like kids in the car: you don’t stuff them in the trunk, but you don’t let them drive either. 😊
2. The Perils of People-Pleasing
At first glance, "people-pleasing" sounds harmless, even admirable. Who wouldn’t want to be easygoing, accommodating, and well-liked?
But the truth is, people-pleasing ISN’T actually about putting others first. It’s about trying to control other people's perceptions and reactions in order to feel safe.
It’s a survival strategy, and it doesn’t serve us or anyone else.
When we people-please, we:
Say "yes" when we mean "no"
Silence ourselves to avoid conflict
Overextend ourselves hoping to earn approval or avoid disapproval
It may look like kindness on the surface, but underneath, it’s often fear-driven. And over time, it creates resentment, burnout, and disconnection—both from others and from ourselves.
One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned is this:
True leadership isn’t about keeping everyone happy. It’s about operating from a place of honesty and integrity, even when it feels uncomfortable.
When we let go of managing other people’s feelings, we create space for real connection, honest communication, and stronger, healthier teams.
3. Resentment Is Like Peeing in Your Pants—Nobody Feels It but You
There are a lot of great sayings about resentment, but this one is one of my favorites.
It’s human to feel resentful when we feel wronged, overlooked, or unsupported. But holding onto resentment doesn’t hurt the other person, it just poisons us.
At work, resentment can build from:
Feeling undervalued
Being overwhelmed and unsupported
Miscommunication or unmet expectations
And most of the time, resentment festers because we’re assuming instead of asking. We think we know what someone else intended. We think we know why they said or did something.
Here’s what helps:
Get it out of your head. If you're stewing, it's time to have a conversation.
Set up a meeting with the goal of clarifying, not blaming.
Stay honest, open, and willing to learn.
When we clear resentments early, we create space for trust, collaboration, and real connection.
